Discernment Counseling Questions

Discernment counseling is a specialized, short-term approach designed for couples who are uncertain about the future of their relationship and want to discern where they stand in the relationship.

Unlike traditional couples therapy, which focuses on problem-solving and long-term change, discernment counseling helps partners explore their feelings, identify core issues, and determine the best path forward—whether that means working toward reconciliation or moving toward separation.

This process is particularly beneficial when one partner is leaning toward divorce while the other wants to save the relationship.

By addressing key discerning counseling questions, couples can gain deeper insights into their relationship dynamics, uncover patterns of behavior, and make informed choices about their future together.

Discernment Counseling Questions For Both Partners:

• What brought you to this point in your relationship? – This question helps uncover the key issues and events that led to considering separation or divorce.
• What have you already tried to fix the relationship? – This identifies past efforts and whether they were effective or not.
• What do you see as the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship? – Encourages a balanced view of the relationship’s dynamics.
• What do you need to feel more confident in making a decision? – Helps gauge what information or experiences might be missing.

Discernment Counseling Questions for the Leaning-In Partner (Wants to Save the Marriage)

• What do you think has contributed to your partner feeling this way about the relationship? – This question encourages empathy and understanding.
• If your partner were willing to work on the relationship, what changes would you be willing to make? – Assesses openness to personal growth.
• What fears do you have about separating or divorcing? – This helps explore concerns and emotional obstacles.
• How do you think your partner experiences you in the relationship? – Encourages self-awareness and reflection.

Discernment Counseling Questions for the Leaning-Out Partner (Considering Divorce)

• What are your biggest concerns about staying in the marriage? – Helps articulate reasons for considering separation.
• Have there been times when you felt hopeful about the relationship? – Explores past positive experiences.
• What do you need from your partner that you feel you haven’t received? – Identifies unmet needs and expectations.
• Are you open to a structured attempt to work on the relationship before making a final decision? – Determines willingness to engage in therapy.

Final Decision Pathways

• Stay Together as Is – Rare, but happens if both realize the issues are not as severe.
• Commit to a Structured Effort – Both agree to put in effort and delay separation while working on improvements.
• Move Toward Separation or Divorce – If reconciliation is not viable, they move forward with clarity.